Selena Gomez- Stars Dance
Musically, the new Selena Gomez album Stars Dance does not matter. It doesn't matter because if you're over the age of 13 you're probably not listening to this album for the music. You, dear reader, like me, are listening to this album because it answers one if the Great Questions of Our Time. It answers a question which has surely kept me up at night on many occasions: what is it like to date Justin Bieber?
The answer, if you are Selena Gomez, is maybe its not so nice. Imagine you are an internationally famous pop star. You are dating perhaps the worlds most famous pop star, and then you break up, just when you're going into the studio to make the album that's going to help you shed your Disney starlet image and be taken seriously as a Serious Pop Star, all caps. You might sing something twee and dramatic, like "Our love was made to rule the world/ you came and broke the perfect girl". With over-produced dubstep for preteens beats, "Forget Forever" doesn't say much else, but it doesn't have to. Selena has spoken, and El Biebo is a jerk.
As brilliant a kiss-off as moments like "Forget Forever" are, there are even more painful, oh honey NO moments. On this album, Selena tries to reinvent herself as some kind bad girl, and it's sort of like watching a car crash- I can't stop cringing, but I can't look away. The worst offender is perhaps attempted club banger B.E.A.T., with gross lyrical missteps like "Oh my god, this beat is crack!". If you think about it, that's exactly the sort of thing someone who has never set foot inside a club, much less without a team of bodyguards, might say.
Musically, this album was like a strange form of self-inflicted torture. I was surprised by how limited Selena's hoarse alto voice really is- most songs were tone deaf and she possesses both no smoldering lows or falsetto'd highs. The beats were Disney channel dubstep all the way and reminded me most of a hip car commercial. It's a shame because Selena has so much potential and stage presence that her producers phoned this album in. But, what can you do. At least there is only one album out there dedicated to Justin Bieber's "sexy kind of swag".